I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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