Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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