someone threw a dead crab at me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.