I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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