then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.