Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
