Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
