just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
