I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All the doctor said was why
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
