A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
