Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
