I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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