Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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