He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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