Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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