Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
