I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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