I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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