Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
