I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
