I accidentally had phone sex last night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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