idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
