I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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