Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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