why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
