i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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