I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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