I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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