Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
