HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
