I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
