Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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