I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish you could order shots online.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
