my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
