dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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