Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
