then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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