Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
