I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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