That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
