My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
