I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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