i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
