Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
