When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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