Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
