if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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