so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
