fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
