I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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