apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
