woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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