dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
