and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
