i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
