Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Randomize
