As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
