Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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