Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I need to stop coming to work sober
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
