The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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