just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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