I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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